Pssshhhhhhhhhh

I dont know what to title this. The sound that a balloon makes as you let the air out of it is what I was going for.

It was a good day, church was good, we finished up our Christmas decorations (except the tree which we will get Friday.) But tonight I am sad. Not melt down cry sad but the kind of sad where it feels heavy, and I want to just sit on the couch and watch Netflix until I am too tired to think. I almost did that because sitting down to write about this makes me feel like a boob but I also know writing it down seems to be the best way to take the weight off. Lucky you whoever’s reading this.

When I wrote my BOO HOO post last summer I got a lot of reaction the following days…. concerned faces, people thinking some major crisis had just happened or that I was having a complete meltdown. In fact the procedure they went in for that day was minor. It was no big deal, something we have done before and will do many times again. But those feelings were/are just part of the deal. I have felt that way or worse so many times in the last 8 years, but haven’t liked to be that vocal about it because it felt like giving up. But having those kinds of days here and there doesn’t mean I have let the dark side take over, or that I don’t have faith (as I try to remind myself) or that I think my life is too hard or I wont feel better tomorrow. It just means I am not bionic.

Today we got to go to a baptism for a little boy in our ward. In our church we don’t baptize infants, we wait until the age of 8 where there is more of an ability to understand, make choices and decisions. Its really a wonderful ceremony and celebration. But Ben is turning 8 in January. When he turned 7 it was no big deal because that still seemed like a little kid age but now….even as I am typing I am needing to remind myself how happy Ben is, that he thinks his life is great. But watching him at the baptism sitting on Jonathan’s lap watching so intently and hearing his questions about it over the last few months has just been a reminder of the milestones that will be so different for him and that I don’t know what his future holds.

“When I get my trach out I can get baptized?” When he first asked me I couldn’t understand the word baptized until he showed me plugging his nose and then shrinking down like he was going under water. Why does this make me sad? (I am talking out loud.) But it does, to know he understands he cant do what his older siblings did and to not be able to explain it for him is hard.

I know that my desire for absolute certainty where Ben is concerned is not doing me any good. I think it is a normal thing to desire- but I can tell when I have crossed the line over from trusting Heavenly Father to needing to KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR BEN. He is so little, so sweet, so fragile, so smart, so funny, and what if he doesn’t get to stay with me as long as I want him to? It’s hard to let go of that hope of Certainty, Prevention or Control. (I outlined a really good talk I heard on that kind of hope, it was a perspective I needed.)

But…. tomorrow will be a new day, the Christmas season is here and you can see I have the best little elf helpers. We get to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and I am reminded over and over that because of Him I can have hope in my resilience, and in my ability “to rejoice despite any losses.”

XOXO